1 post tagged “true stories”

I'm such a lucky guy. I come from long lived and fiesty folks going back 3 or more generations. I knew and learned much from both my great grandfathers, and one of my great grandmothers. Due to my mother's remarrying when I was 8 years old, I had three wonderful and amazing grandfathers in my lifetime. I also sat and learned at both of my grandmother's feet a lot when I was young.  Along with two great men who are proud to call me their son, I have the most amazing mother any man could ever hope to have.

You could say I have had an exceptionally broad number of ancestral influences in my life. But as I grew up, and got busy with the business of living, one by one most of them slipped away from me, and it seems looking back, I was too busy to hardly even notice.

Lately, I was feeling so alone, without purpose, so lost and afraid, I admit, I thought I was losing it. My life, my health, my career, my very reasons for living had come into question more than once.

And I realized all those wonderful ancestors, as fabulous as they were, were only just a few of the people who had helped me to get to this place in my life. Looking at my life, they were so many famous and not so famous writers, some willing and almost unwilling mentors, obscure country and western singers, long dead and forgotten songwriters, and not a few poets, even some grumpy old football coaches, long suffering teachers, and of course, all my friends, old and new, some now gone, dead, or departed, that had all infuenced me in so many deep and lasting ways, that I decided to sit down and take a little time off, just to kind of gather my notes for the next half of my life.

And make no mistake, I have not been an unmitigated success. I have tasted some sweet things some people can only dream of, but I missed out on other things so many people would just take for granted.

I have driven an expensive fast car on a perfect Hollywood night down Laurel Canyon Road, but today I cannot even drive an automobile. I have held perhaps more than my share of radiant and beautiful women, but they are all gone now, and I have never had one of my own children, to hold in my arms, to raise, or watch them grow up.

I have lived on my own beautiful mountain in the wilds of Montana where the explorers Lewis and Clark walked, but I never held onto my successes very well, and had to leave so many wonderful places like that beautiful mountain, in shame and disgrace.

I have at times lived in lavish houses, with gorgeous furnishings, and had in fact, all the big boy toys available to me, but I lost so many friends and family along the way, that those things, don't even rate remembering now.

Adn I've been to the very doors of insanity from drugs, liquor, lust for fame, and greed, but something, or someone, always walked me home, held me tight till the wretched fever was gone, and tucked me in, and I awoke to a brand new day, time and time again.

I never finished college, or ever quite won the big brass ring of fame and fortune that seems to be the hallmark of the American dream.

But, make no mistake, I have lived like few others I have ever known, and if I made mistakes, they were my mistakes, and I tried to gut it up, and fix them if I could only find a way. Sadly, most mistakes in life can't be fixed. That was a particular hard and bitter lesson for me to digest. So you just move on. And you keep on smiling.

But, I do know I will survive this period of gloom, darkness and despair.

This piece I am writing tonight is not meant to dwell on the events that have happened to me, but rather, to focus on what little tiny pieces of wisdom I have held onto like a drowning man holding onto a life raft in a raging sea, what do I really think, looking back over all these many years, made the grade to "self evident truths", and not just hoped for promises I told myself, or lies I believed for venal or selfish reasons, merely stupid platitudes I might say without meaning a thing.

I don't know if I can even begin to list them in a codified way, but I will attempt it, mostly for my  own use in these trying times of my life, and if they help you, amuse you, or illuminate something for you, so much the better.

1. There are really only three kinds of people in this life : MAKERS, BREAKERS, and TAKERS.

I am ashamed to admit which two of these I usually was behaving like in my first 48 years. May I learn to be a maker for more than a little bit of my remaining years of life.

2. Stuff, things, or possessions will NEVER make you happy.

If I had learned this earlier in life, I might not be facing the trials I am today. So be it. I have learned it the hard way, and I have learned it well.

3. Even if hope is all you've got, hope is all you need.

When the chips are down, and it's a long way to a firstdown, much less a touchdown, hope is a pretty damn good thing to have. The very saddest moments of my life were when I have forgotten that, and I let despair of fear blind hope to me.

4. People can fool me so easily it's pathetic, but you can't fool a good dog.

I always should of listened when my dogs told me to shy away from one person or another. Invariably, they were %100 correct, every time. Dogs just seem to know bad folks from good folks.

5. Another person can only break your heart if you have one to break.

I have felt like an utterly tragic and silly old fool in the game of love so many times I have lost count. But, when I hear the stories of other people's relationships from men and women I have known or read about, I realize many, many people never once found that sublime and marvelous  moment of perfect transfiguring love that may exist for only a flash, a second or two it seemed, but it was real to me, it was fine, it was transcendent. I will always be a fool for love. And I hope my heart gets broken a hundred times more, or else I will have lost something magical and unique in my life.

6. Words can hurt worse than brutal blows from a baseball bat.

God, why did I say those awful things? I didn't realize at the time they would hurt those people so much, so hard, and for so long. I must of been cruelly insane. Forgive me, all of you I have hurt. Please let me always be kind in my words. They have so much more power than any of us know.

7. The things I have done never hurt as much as the things I left undone.

So many broken promises, so many unfulfilled dreams, and so many of them are lost, gone and forgotten now. Until I fall asleep, then they all come quietly crawling back, and haunt me. Will they ever set me free? I pray to God they will.

8. The morning sun, shining on a woman's back, as she sleeps quietly next to me, is the most beautiful thing I will ever see in this lifetime.

I remember mornings where I just layed there, and listened to her breathe so softly, watching the sun illuminate her skin, and I was truly in Heaven. May I get to go there again.

9. Life is what you make of it. And up till now, I've just made a mess of it. But only I can change that.

Why didn't I see the clock ticking? Why couldn't I make the right moves, say the right things? Who knows, the first half is over, but I still have the next half to learn from my mistakes, and do the things I will truly be proud of, that actually matter, that make the world just a little bit more...right.

10. If you don't follow your heart, what could ever guide you in this world?

So many lost souls have wandered into and out of my life. But the ones that made it to something real, something fine and outstanding, ALWAYS followed their heart, and nothing more. May I have the courage and tenacity to do exactly the same.

That's it. Thanks for reading this far. I don't know how I will do it, or even what's in store for me, but, I have a game to get back into, this crazy game of life, and I am going to do things quite a bit differently in this, the second half. 

You see, I still have quite some living yet still to do.