1 post tagged “satire”

Just a dollar, one measly dollar, from each person on the internet is all I want. You don't like boring poor people do you?

That's it. I am so tired of trying to make a big bushel of bucks the hard way. Working is for those that can't find a better way of making money.

I have studied the ways of the rich and famous, and they never take money from the rich, Hell no, they get it from people just like you. The workers, the poor, the ones that invest in America, the regular people.

And here's where you can help me. I have devised a simple, interesting and fun way to get me to the bottom rung of respectability in modern American life.

Send me one dollar, no seriously, just one dollar.That's not as much as George Bush wants for less than one second of his bitchin' wars, less than the latest rock star/rapper wants for you to watch him parade around like a stupid bling bling fool, less than God's self appointed main man Pat Robertson needs for his latest death threat against a political figure from some country he's never even been to.

And this offer is going out to every single one of you. You work hard for you money right? Well, thats why I want it. Thats how people get rich in America these days. They take it from you, so they wont be, well, I'll just say it out loud, poor.

From all of you, anyone of you that realizes I am right, from all over the freakin' pyscho-space of the Internet.

And here's the beautiful part, what will I do for that dollar?

Nothing. Zilch, nada, zip, not squat. NOTHING.

I will be the most fucked up, stupid, and shallow celebrity you have ever seen. I will go to expensive places and do expensive things, for no particular reason, other than that I can.

See, I figured out where I was going wrong all these many years. I was always doing something for my money, working, investing, creating, always giving some back...pffff, that didn't work for shit.

And then it hit me like a ton of golden bricks, what do the celebrities, rock stars. movies stars. sports figures, politicians, preachers, and informercial people do for their money these days?

That's right...Nothing.

I will run for office with absolutely no qualifications other  than I am rich. I will go on talk shows and talk for simply HOURS about shit you could NEVER do, because, you my friend, have to go work every day.

I will run a major important company into the ground by doing nothing but fuck off and play golf. Any CEO worth his multibillion bonuses these days does just that.

And so will I. 

Or I will pretend to be a movie star without ever putting out a single movie. Just like you know, Paris, or well, most of the celebs I see on the boob tube lately. Or even promise you the moon, while doing nothing but selling you out to the highest bidder, just like all your favorite politicians.

I might even tell you that I speak for God, and that he speaks especially to me, and ONLY me, while spending all that money I just know your gonna send me, on fancy ass shiny sharkskin suits, limousines, and the most bodacious baddass house, (make that multiple houses), you have ever seen.

I would do that for you, because I don't want to be a boring person anymore. I want to be that person that makes you want to hang on my every stupid doubletalk speech, every soundbite balanced micro statement, every vapid promise of more for you, while keeping it all for me.

Isn't that how it works in America these days?

I will piss all your money away toot sweet, on all the stupid things the rich and idle piss their/your money away on. But you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you had a hand in making me rich, venal, and vapid. I will be the proudest shining star of the American celebrity lineup. Stupid as the day is long...

And when I bounce in and out of rehabs like a Dallas Cowboys halfback breaking through a shoddy zone defense, I will tell the whole world how much I want be forgiven for acting like a spoiled frat boy with his daddy's credit card at a topless club buffet. In fact, to show you how serious I am, I will go to every strip joint I see, and spend like a crazed madman, just to show how commited I am to making you love watching my stupid pointless antics.

And if, no WHEN, I get caught acting so stupid, and appear to almost have to have suffer some real consequences for my stupid fucked up actions, I will beg everyone to bear with me because I am different than regular folks, because with your help, I will be bulletproof, I will be RICH.

But I can't do a thing in my present condition. For you see, I am poor, I am, well, forgive me, boring.

Wouldn't you really prefer I was rich and stupid, glamorous without having a clue, just like all our favorite stars, media darlings, and rich pricks? I know I would...

That's why I need your help. These rich guys and dolls don't do a damn thing but spend, spend, spend, and I promise I won't either.

This is one promise that I will never break. Send me just one dollar, (well better make it two, because all the rich and interesting people in charge of America have lately devalued the FUCK out of the dollar, so yeah, better make it two), and I will do NOTHING for you, and I will do nothing just as well or better than any damn rich sparkly darling of the bought and paid for media you have ever seen.

Thank you for your help. I can't wait to see me on the T.V.

And if I don't wave at you, don't take it too hard. I will be different than you, I will be a rich asshole that did nothing for his money, and that will give me certain, well, privileges.

Come on, send them two dollars. Make me filthy freakin' rich, it's the American way. Your a good American aren't you?

So send the damn money already.